I just can’t look

See that ridge on lower right side of the second finger in the photo? I think it’s a cord starting to run up my middle finger. But I can’t bear to look at it for very long. It’s hard to scrutinize and study the cords and nodules in my left palm. Because then my mind wanders beyond what I see. What will my palm look like next month? Where will this Dupuytren’s disease take me in a year? How did it find me? Is it really for real? It’s not really about why me because things happen to anyone and everyone. But still, I wonder why me?

 

A few days ago, I tried to come up with descriptions of what my left hand feels like. Tight. Crowded. Sharp pain if I accidentally jab a nodule. Prickly at times. A constant sensation of being bruised or slightly achy. I can still fully open and extend that hand open, which is good and is a blessing. But it's very uncomfortable to do so.

 

Since Dup came on board, I look at other people's hands more often. I notice how smooth their palms are and how they wave their hands around while they're speaking. I think are fortunate they are to have healthy hands and how they should never take them for granted. But that's true of everything and anything in our lives, right? We should be grateful for all of our many blessings. The love of a spouse. The purr of the cat. A soft bed at night. A stocked refrigerator. Light switches in every room of the house. Oh, the list goes on and on. 

 

Yes, I'm grateful for so very much in my life. But still, I just can't bear to look.